We read the National Enquirer, Life & Style, the Globe, Star and Us Weekly this week — so you didn’t have to. We’re givers.

Along the way, we learned that O.J. Simpson had some unexpected relationships in prison, Justin Bieber had an affair with Rihanna just like every young boy dreams, Bill Clinton was involved in a teenage prostitution scandal even though he hasn’t been a teen in decades, Adele has a broken heart and all kinds of new album material, Khloe and Lamar have decided divorce is not an option because they’re so good at marriage, and all sorts of other really real stuff.

  • National Enquirer

    National Enquirer

    We’re sure the Dow must have gone up this week because Kris and Bruce Jenner reached a $175 million divorce deal. We expect the show to be on E! next fall. Mama Kardashian was so excited about the deal, she collapsed.

    She woke right up when she heard the O.J. Simpson shocker, though - someone revealed his intimate relationships with prison homosexuals. We know it’s true because people who are in prison are very noble and never lie. They are also innocent and got screwed by their lawyers.

    The real sparks of the week flew when Lisa Marie Presley turned 45, and she reportedly had an ugly fight at her birthday bash. It started out innocently enough, but it seems one of her friends is really good at “your mama so ugly” jokes, so it went on for hours.

    Mohammad Ali’s family has denied he’s near death, but a source called “brother” has heartbreaking claims of a physical abuse nightmare. Based on recent pictures of Ali at various events, this “brother” watches a lot of Oxygen or something and his imagination has gotten the best of him. Much like the writers of National Enquirer.

  • Life & Style

    Life & Style

    Things heated up in Life & Style, where we found out that Justin Bieber humiliated Selena Gomez with an affair with Rihanna. Or maybe Selena was having the affair and was humiliated when he found out. Hard to tell, but that seems even more implausible because she could probably make some serious coin with even a brief upload of a Selena/Rihanna lip lock. All we know is there was a hotel room, Rihanna and humiliation. You know, Tuesday.

    Also all part of a typical weekday: Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have separated. In the midst of the usual drama, Lamar walked out, grinded on a club girl and then Khloe had a breakdown. Maybe an affair with Rihanna would be just the mood-booster Khloe needs.

    The first baby bump pics of Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton have been published. Through the magic of modern technology, if you look closely enough, you can see the impression of a silver spoon on each of their burgeoning bellies.

    And, just in case you missed your smart phone alert, it is now time to think pink. Which means you’re all set if you need help with indigestion, a panther or insulation.

  • Globe


    In salacious Royals news, Kate Middleton’s new home has been bugged. Nobody knows if the two listening devices discovered were planted by Camilla or not. She’s had all that Scotland Yard spy training, so it’s really hard to say.

    Also, seems Bill Clinton is back in the news. Just when his divorce woes had passed, he got caught up in a teenage hooker scandal. The whole thing has been a horror for Hillary. But let's be real: It’s really kind of a horror for us all. Probably even Bill because teenage girls aren’t very good at sex. They ARE good at tweeting about it though.

    We found out where the kids from ‘Father Knows Best’ are now. Unfortunately, no one will confirm nor deny that they have been earning money installing listening devices in royal homes.

    And, in court drama, a grand jury shocker answers the question “why didn’t JonBenet Ramsey’s mom and dad go to jail?” Still unclear: If a grand jury answers a question nobody’s asking, does it make a sound? Perhaps that's the secret Patty Andrews of the Andrews Sisters took to her grave.

  • Star


    Get out your little black book because Star magazine has your crib sheet for the best and worst celebrity lovers. Someone likes sex on a jet ski, but who wouldn’t? They’re so spacious and comfortable. One A-list actress also apparently dresses as a rodeo clown during sexytime. We can see the Victoria’s Secret clown-inspired lingerie on the runway already. And someone’s the queen of dirty talk – likely saying things like “jet ski” and “rodeo clown” to heat things up in the bedroom.

    Coco Austin dropped the massively unexpected bombshell that she cheated on Ice-T. With coffee. You know what they say - once you go black, you never go ... wait. That doesn't work here.

    Meanwhile, Adele is heartbroken to have to raise her baby alone. The worst part? She’s afraid that every time she tries to sing the baby to sleep, she’ll have to stop and accept a Grammy for Best Improvised Lullaby.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly

    It’s time to update your LeAnn Rimes vs. Brandi Glanville scorecards, so stop denying that you have one and get it out already. The really really real story is that Brandi cheated first. NEENER. She supposedly slept with a Hollywood playboy a mere six weeks after having Eddie’s baby. Of course she’s now playing the victim and totally blaming LeAnn because that's in the contract they have that helps keep them both relevant.

    Something that isn’t LeAnn’s fault? Adam Brody and Leighton Meester are secretly dating. And hey, if we’re all careful and don’t say anything, maybe they won’t know we all secretly know they’re secretly dating.

    We got to take a peek inside Jessica Simpson’s new home. Someone should really go over there and help her figure out what she has and where to put it. The boxes have labels, but those just seem to confuse her more.

    Despite previous reports of walking out, club grinding and breakdowns, Khloe and Lamar have said that divorce is not an option. Unless they can find a way to get a TV deal out of it, of course.