For Those New To The Area, Here Is Your ‘West Texas Acclimation Guide’
If you happen to be one of the economic refugees from other parts of the country or this hemisphere, we welcome you to some of the nicest, most patriotic communities in the United States. So, now it's time to go over some of the ground rules for living in West Texas that will make your like some much easier.
We really don’t care if our pizza doesn’t taste exactly like the pizza they make up in New York City. If you just got a have your ‘New York style pizza’, there’s a plane that leaves every few hours for the North.
When traveling through West Texas, you need to remember these driving rules: Slower traffic keep right! The left lane is for faster traffic on major roads. If you are just cruising along at 50 miles an hour in the left lane on 191, Business 20 or I20, you will probably get the ‘one finger salute’. Slower traffic keep right!
Another important rule: If you see a funeral procession, pull over to the right and wait for it to pass. We show respect to the dead and their families. It will also give you time to reflect on your own mortality and bad driving habits.
Speaking of the ‘right’, we believe in all of them, the First Amendment the Second Amendment all the way down. If you have a problem with that, this may not be were you want to live.
We believe in chivalry. For example, if you’re a guy and there’s a girl with you and there’s a door in front of you, you hold the door open for the girl. Ladies, this does require you to wait for the man to open the door for you. If he doesn’t, keep waiting. If he still doesn’t, get a new boyfriend.
Our mamas taught us a lot of things, for example: You always say yes sir, yes ma’am or no sir, no ma’am. It does not matter whether if it’s the guy who just changed your flat, or the waitress who is serving you lunch, show respect to everyone.
In West Texas we have this thing called a belt.
It can be made out of canvas or leather and it serves a variety of purposes. You can hang stuff on it, a knife, a leather man tool, a pistol. It’s main purpose is to keep your pants up so they don’t fall down around your knees making you look like a fool. If you choose to walk around a public area without a belt, and your pants are down around your butt or your knees, don’t be shocked when someone will offer to give you a belt or buy you one, this has happened before.
There are certain colloquialisms that you need to be familiar with to adjust to life here in West Texas. For example, the term ‘fixin’, does not mean ‘to repair’. Instead it means ‘a future time yet to happen’. An example of this used in a sentence is, “I’m fixin’ to pack my bags...”.
“U-onto” is a question: “u-onto go the the movies tonight?”.
“Ya’ll” is not gender specific and is all inclusive.
“Bless your heart” means, “...you are such an idiot.”
That old saying, “Don’t Mess With Texas”, yeah, we take it seriously here.
Don’t throw trash in the back of your truck, drive down the highway, and let it blow out all over our nice countryside.
Finally, just be polite. As my mama says, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”. The opposite is true with fists, so if you’d like to keep all your teeth, and not look like somebody from Alabama, just be nice.
Did I miss anything?